Clean Jokes

Tales from the Loony Bin

Dr. Smith recently got his doctorate in psychology and his first assignment was to visit the community loony bin retirement home for the patient's monthly mental examination.

He sees his first patient and asks him, "Ralph, how much is six times six?" Ralph responds "74." He asks the next resident, "Tim, how much is six times six?" Tom responds, "Thursday." Expecting more of the same, he approaches Randy and asks him, "Randy, how much is six times?" "THIRTY-SIX" replies Randy. "That's right Randy, well done! Now tell me how did you know that answer?" "Oh it was easy... I just subtracted 74 from Thursday!"

A Blonde's trip to Chicago

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde woman replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He kneels down next tothe woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."

Actual Macdonald's application for employment

These are actual answers on a McDonald's application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid's gonna go far...

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Lols.

Jokes ( Dirty ) ;) >Continual

Birthday Suit

A wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said "what on earth are you doing?"

The wife replied "it's my birthday suit, don't you like it?"

The husband responded "you could have ironed it first"

A round of golf on Christmas Morning

A wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said "what on earth are you doing?"

The wife replied "it's my birthday suit, don't you like it?"

The husband responded "you could have ironed it first"

Grapes and Doughnuts

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but alw ays promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "

K, that's the end folks. To be continued..

Jokes ( Dirty ) ;) >Continual

A blonde at Western Union

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. "Take it out", says theclerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello? ... Mom?"

Renting an adult movie

A blond decides to do something she's never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing onthe tape, but static."

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?" The blond replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

Paying the rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :

"Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

Ok, that's all folks. Wait for the next update. ;)

Jokes ( Dirty ) ;)

Turner Brown.

Kramer goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?"

In a very weak voice Kramer says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Kramer said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"

Tickle me Elmo.

There is a factory in Eastern Wisconsinwhich that the Tickle Me Elmo toys. In case you didn't know, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job was to give Elmo two test tickles."

Breakfast is kicking.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet momma,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?

That's it for the day folks! If you don't understand, feel free to ask me. :)